Why do I fall in love with the wrong people?
I’m worried I’ll never fall in love with someone who’s good for me. The ones I fall in love with don’t treat me nicely and with the ones that treat me nicely there’s no passion. What should I do?
—Anonymous, Richmond, Virginia, USA, question sent via Cupid Mail
Thank you so much for sharing your sweet little heart and for asking this terrific question. I know so many people relate to this, so thank you for bringing this up on behalf of all those who need answers – and answers I have!
Scientists may say that we fall in love with certain people due to chemicals that activate in our brains, but actually, from the spiritual perspective, we fall in love with people that we need to learn lessons from. All of this, of course, is pre–destined before we came to Earth. So while your body, mind and heart really desire a person, your soul desires the lesson that you need to learn. Because of that, it keeps pulling and tugging you closer and closer toward those situations or people. It keeps repeating itself with different “role players” until you finally learn and graduate from those lessons.
For example, a lot of people might be prone to attracting people similar to their parents. It’s all because they still have to work out their mother or father issues. The moment those issues have been cleared or those lessons learned, they’ll cease to be attracted to those types of people. In fact, they’ll be spotted and avoided from a mile away! But before that happens, those people will tend to seem like the hottest, most irresistible people in a crowd. That’s how your soul gets you into these situations. The chemicals are really secondary, if you ask me!
Now, you might be thinking, how come people can’t learn love by attracting love — why do we have to learn love through the back channel, like through abuse or pain? It’s because a lot of people never experienced what love is. They might think love is supposed to be painful or dramatic, and so they will find those situations and believe it’s love. If love showed up and it seemed uneventful and boring, they might think it wasn’t love at all. If someone is wired to feel that love is painful, would they even recognize love if love showed up at their doorstep? And would they think abusive relationships were the real love?
The thing to do here is to learn the lessons you’re supposed to learn — on your own. When you meet someone or have been in a relationship and you get triggered, stop, assess and learn. Withdraw from the drama and the pulling and tugging and ask for help to learn the lesson in the most gentle manner. Always put the responsibility back onto yourself. Remember that you don’t need the presence of the other person to heal. You don’t need their apology nor them to change. They don’t need to be involved at all. Let’s say they do something to upset you — you stop, step away, and process and heal that on your own. Soon, you’ll have resolved all that this person was meant to teach you and those “feelings of love” will shift. You might still love this person but from a different place — as a teacher and bestower of spiritual gifts — and not as a “gotta have you as my boyfriend/girlfriend” feeling. You’ll stop trying to make the relationship work and be more focused on your own inner health and happiness.
As for the lack of passion with men who are nice to you — after you learn the lessons from painful relationships, you’ll step into a brand new appreciation and brand new insight into what love is. The “good” relationships seem to lack passion because they lacked pain, abuse or drama. If a person isn’t meant to teach you pain, and you’re still needing to learn pain, then of course the connection will not feel very energized, passionate or urgent. But once you heal those wounds, as you meet the guys who are truly here to share love with you, you’ll feel a great sense of peace and alignment with them. You’ll notice people who were always right in front of you but didn’t seem to notice before.
Anonymous, thank you so much again for your question and thank yourself for being brave to ask and being brave to unfold this journey. As Cupid, I KNOW that everyone has true love in the world. It may seem really hard to find, but the person who loves you most already exists and you already know her — it is you. She will always be the one that cherishes you unconditionally. Get to know her and let her in. Let her love you and trust that she will and she will never let you down. Then any guy or gal or even any BFF that comes along will be the bonus icing on the cake.
I love you so much, Anonymous, and anyone else out there seeking love in all the “wrong” places.
Click here to Ask Cupid